Tune-age.

Do I even need to explain this one?

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Someday I'm gonna go out to the country.
I'll drive 'til the highway ends,
Chasing after picture perfect sunsets
To take away my breath.
I'm tired of living in the city.
The world's got me tied on a string.
Wanderlust has overcome me.
Like Lewis and Clark, I'll dream.
There's a million different ways to go,
Only God can know where I will call my home.

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone.
Faith keep me strong,
Love lead me on.

The open road can be so lonely.
I'm longing for someone to love.
If only I could share my new surroundings,
Open the doors above.
There's a million different ways to go,
Only God can know where I will call my home.

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone.
Faith keep me strong,
Love lead me on.

Faith keep me strong,
Love lead me home.

--------------------

I realize, in retrospect, that there's a heavy religious theme in this song. I also realize, after listening to more of The Afters (and looking at the Genre column in my iTunes that I casually ignored before), that they're a Christian band.

If anyone reading this (yes, I'm talking about you, lone reader ..) knows me, though, he or she will know that religion isn't really my thing.

Regardless of their religious affiliation, I dig their sound. They remind me a bit of Snow Patrol with the softer side of Something Corporate with a dash of The Hereafter and .. maybe the melancholy aspect of Coldplay. The lead singer's voice reminds me of someone else, but I can't pinpoint who. Anyway, they're good. Check out their most popular song, "Beautiful Love." It's one of my favorites. The acoustic version is wonderful!

As for the song above, I simply meant it for the latter part of that first verse, about wanderlust.

That may be my new-old favorite word. Wanderlust.

Wanderlust. Wanderlust. Wanderlust.

It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

- May (you search for deeper meaning).

Catch Up.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Sometimes they're mundane and non-sensical, sometimes they're fleeting and amusing, sometimes they're sad and dreary, sometimes they're angry. I've had a myriad of different emotions constantly swirling around in my head, like an uncontrollable cyclone.

It's nothing I'm not used to.

One of the strongest thoughts I've had is how influential one's state of mind is on one's physical health. Through no one's fault but my own, I was struggling with some personal issues that are now starting to resolve themselves, but it brought my mood down quite a bit. I had fallen off the vegetarian wagon and stopped eating as healthy as I had for the majority of last year; I stopped my daily coconut water + Vitamineral Green combination; I was fighting with family members more often; I was finding myself sinking in the quicksand of my identity crisis that I had managed to deal with for a while. All of these things led to me feeling down on myself.

When I was eating right, meditating and yoga-ing on a daily basis, I can't even tell you when I got sick. Over a large span of time. My immune system was perky and doing well and fighting the good fight. As soon as my mood started slipping, my sinuses explode and my nose gets clogged. In other words, my body rebelled to the bad decisions I was making.

Okay, okay, Body. I get the hint. I promise. I made those New Year's Resolutions for a reason. I promise I'll stick with them. Please, can't we get along like we used to?

Anyway, it's just another little reminder of how interconnected things really are in the universe, in the world, in our lives, and in our bodies.

Symbiotic.

Another thought I've had was wondering where I'm going to end up.

I like the freedom and I like the ability to leave it up to chance (though, really, let's be honest .. is anything really accidental?). I like being able to say, "I don't know where I'll be, but I hope I like it."

I like being able to have grand dreams of waking up on a beach in San Diego, going out for a surfing lesson (years after my first lesson, I will still be too afraid of standing on the board), catching some grub at a Vegan and/or Raw Food cafe, and relaxing my weekends away with friends, some beer, and maybe a communal cook-out.

Simultaneously, I like being able to have the same grand dreams, only in England, trotting down the stairs from my East London flat, walking to the Tube, and hitting up the Victoria and Albert or the Tate Modern, sharing a few shouts at the local with some mates, and coming home to my faithful retired greyhound.

I like being able to have both of those visions in my head, without any sort of competition between the two. Without any real obligation to either of them, even. I like having them both floating about in my cranial space.

But, at the same time, I kind of wish I had something more solid. Sometimes, I wish I could answer with conviction when someone asks me, "So, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?" or "Where do you see yourself in five years?" My usual answer is, "I want to be happy," to both of those. And while I think that's adequate (albeit vague), sometimes I wish I had a little something more to fall back upon.

Sometimes, I don't think I'm destined to really stick around one place for too long. I've already spent close to 23 years living in New York, with a few travels here and there. I can feel my palms starting to itch, my legs starting to quiver, my breath starting to quicken.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something big.

I don't know what it is.

But I'm excited to find out.

- May (you never lose your thirst for discovery).

Unknown Space

Slightly delirious from Nyquil. Feeling sleepy, feverish, stuffed, but somehow content. These drugs must be stronger than I thought.

Too many thoughts were racing through my already cluttered mind as I drove home from work today. Pieces of poems that have yet to be written were the most prominent. I managed to remember the opening lines of this one throughout the twenty minutes spent in the car and this is what I came up with. (As with yesterday's post, the link to download will be at the end).

-------------------------

"Unknown Space"

somewhere between

what he sees
and
what she cannot(will not?)

lies the squandered, the suppressed.

bulging hips and
dimpled thighs,

crooked this
and
off-center
that;

every flaw for which she
holds
herself somehow accountable;

every reason for which she
feels she deserves
far less than those with

hips that curve like country roads
and thighs as smooth as satin,

those with
hearts that pull like gravity
and smiles that silently serenade.

she saw it,
once,
the beauty by which he swears.

well,
she will tell you that she thinks she saw it.

perhaps
she saw it.

well,
it’s really, very unlikely that she saw it.

nothing more than imagination:
interesting,
adventurous,
inviting,
exhilarating,

but, at the end of it all,
non-existent.

nothing more than thoughts
in passing trains
that have an omniscient destination
except to the man wearing the hat.

trust,
says he.

i do,
says she.

in every form
in every action,
she tells the truth.

trust was always easy for her,

especially when faced with his
blackened pools through which she could see
only light,
only good,
only wonder(she wonders what they saw in her).

but struggle still
remains.

pull her(won’t he touch her?)close
and listen to the off-kilter beating
of what was once an unbroken heart.

steady her head
as she shakes it.

kiss her brow
as it furrows.

bite her lips
as they fall.

she will believe him,
eventually.

someday(please, have patience),
she will find herself
staring from his eyes,

and she will understand.

-------------------------

Here's the Pages file and here's the MS Word file.

- May (you remember to nurture your spirit).

Adoption

I know it's been months. Many things have happened between then and now. Some were wonderful (many, most were wonderful), some were bad. Either way, life goes on and I am still here.

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my adoption. I always write something around this time, usually poetry, and this year is no exception. I wrote two; one is rather sad, one is more accepting.

The spacing won't come out properly here, so I'm including a link to download the files at the end (there are two versions of each: one is a Pages document for all you iWork users, the other is a Microsoft Word document for everyone else).

----------------------

“January 15th”

one would figure.
in any other situation, it would
be more than(though
maybe just enough)adequate. one would

figure that something closely resembling
ELEVEN MILLION minutes(yes, you did,
indeed,
read that correctly)would give one(or two,
maybe three or four, if

you were daring)direction.

if not
direction,
then at least enough time to
hunt
down and locate a poorly-drawn map.

but these roads are many.
these roads are dimly lit(sometimes not at all).

dead ends are perpetual. i turn and walk yet
somehow end up back to where this involuntary

journey began. always back to her.

always in search of
HER.
i do not know her name. i do not know her face.
i do not remember the sweet words she may have sung
when my heart was not yet capable of gratitude(how

i curse it to this
very
moment).

i always imagine gazing into dark, dark eyes,
red-rimmed,
trying their hardest to avoid my own.

did i look at you, knowing they would soon
forget(how i wish i didn’t
forget)?

did they promise loyalty in return for yours?

how i wish i could have begged;
i would have pleaded, “my heart will be yours

if you keep me but a moment longer.” but i would
have promised you the moon if it
meant that you would love me.

do you love me now? from
across the
distant(so very
distant)sea?

our world, once together, now separated
by a pool of the Universe’s saline sadness.

there is no map to you.
i do not know where(who, what, why)i am.

PLEASE.

keep me but a moment longer;
i promise i will love you as i tried to eleven million minutes ago,
i promise i will remember,
i promise i will smile,

if you would only promise
to guide me back

to you.


----------------------

"January 15th, Part 2"

every thought
look
melody
question:
a boat

in which i am held captive,
in which i have

no c h o i c e but to

float

back to you.

accusations of false information(because
i am ultimately untrustworthy)from
mouths too

god damn

ignorant to fully
comprehend this from that,
those from these;

they are the worst and they are frequent.
they are the titantic of all vessels:

impossible
to ignore.
impossible
to forget.

tragic.
devastating.
but
somehow
beautiful.

i have started to believe that you are nothing

more
than something i have conjured(many things
are elusive fabrications)in this tangled web-mind
i have been bles(burdened)sed with.

yet logic and the universe tell me
that you must have

existed,

even if only for a moment.

i will

exhale my
breath,

pour out my
love,
bleed my eyes
dry,

so that each may fill a tiny
paper
boat;

i will

set each on a sheet of liquid glass,
salty and unclean and unknown
beyond
these shores of home;

and pray that they will find you,
pray that you will see them,

pray that you will know,
pray that you will remember(do these thoughts

haunt you when you wake?),


and learn
to let

you go.

----------------------

And, as promised, here is the link to download to see the proper spacing and formatting and things: poetry folder at box.net.

- May (you expect the unexpected, always).