Bright.

Even in the somewhat dreary sunshine (seems like a contradiction, doesn't it?) of the outside world, I find myself renewed. It is as though I've molted the bruised, battered, and scarred casing of before to reveal a pink (or perhaps, in my case, yellow) and fleshy undercoat.

The bully, Depression, has scurried away -- though his return is always a looming threat. But I've come to realize that I can't always be planning, or expecting, his arrival. If all of my time and all of my energy goes to dead-bolting the door and boarding up my windows, how will I ever let the sunlight in? How will I ever feel safe enough to venture into the world around me? It does me no good to act like that or to think like that. If he has to come back, and I think he may have to at some point in the future, wouldn't it be great if I were laying on a beach somewhere, warming myself in the sun's rays, so that he would barge into an empty home? What a disappointment!

There have been a few things leading to this mental change, I think. One would be, of course, the wonderful, glorious change in the weather. The brighter the sun shines, the happier I become. There's no hiding that -- and I know that I'm not the only one. The release of those endorphins is no joke. Another reason would be the compass necklace I received as a gift. A simple gesture, really, but one that meant (and still means) the world to me; a constant reminder that, even when I feel as though I can never find my way back home, I am never truly lost. All I have to do is open the necklace's latch to reveal the working compass and retrace my steps. Plus, the person from whence it came matters more to me than I could have ever imagined, and he fills my heart in ways I never dreamed. He has also helped me find hope in even the darkest of days, simply by being a major part of my life, and for that, I will always be grateful.

A third reason would be the active steps I have taken into being healthier. Cutting out fast food and coffee (again) has already made a difference. I've also been sticking with my "at least 1/2 hour of yoga, every day" routine. I attempted to do the P90X yoga video today, which is an hour and a half long, and only made it through the first hour before my body rebelled. I think that I will have to work my way up to that, as it is more intense than any yoga I've done before. But that is a goal -- to be able to complete that video without any sort of hesitation. And having goals, especially healthy ones, are uplifting.

Plus, I have found my hope. I do not know where I found it or where it had gone in the first place, but we have been reunited again. I am becoming more involved with my job, even though I am still unsure of where to go from here (and I've come to know that that's all right). I have decided that, within the next year, I will travel. I will, of course, take smaller trips -- maybe to the likes of DC to visit friends or back to New England to do the same -- but I have decided that I will take at least one big trip within the next year. It could be across the country or across the ocean. It really matters not. All I know is that I will.

I have found my peace with the Unknown (and it does deserve a capitalization here). I do not know where I am headed. I do not know how much longer I will stay with Apple. I do not know where I will go in my Graduate Studies. But what I do know is that I have been provided a gift -- and that gift is my not knowing. Others have their lives planned out before they can even protest. They are told that they will be doctors, they will be housewives, they will be lawyers. And while all of those things are wonderful and needed in their own right, there is no freedom there. They cannot say, "I find my joy in something else, so I will pursue that something else to make me happy." They must do what has been decided for them.

I don't have that. Those restrictions don't touch me. They never have.

What a beautiful, magnificent gift.

How could I waste it?

- May (you never lose hope).