Reflecting Like a Mirror

I've been drinking O.N.E. Coconut Water with a heaping teaspoon of Vitamineral Green every morning this week. I've already felt the difference and it's ridiculous.

Let me give you a brief background. I am not a morning person. I have never been a morning person. Most times, if I had to wake up before noon, I'd grumble one-word responses and cut through anyone who looked at me wrong. Or looked at me, in general. My mom learned to avoid talking to me in the wee hours of the morning. Unless, of course, I'm carrying over from the night before. I'm a bit nocturnal -- I'd rather stay up 'til 5 or 6 AM from the night before than wake up at 5 or 6 AM.

But I knew that having a 9 - 5 office job meant having to be remotely sociable and human in the morning. So when I read about JMraz's use of Coconut H20 and Vitamineral Green to get himself energized, I knew it was exactly what I needed. And he wasn't lying, let me tell you. I feel so alert and connected with things around me whenever I've had it. I don't even crave coffee -- which is more or less a miracle in itself. I don't need it. And coffee, for me, took hours upon hours to actually kick in. And then it lasted a mere 15 minutes before I'd crash again, more tired than before ingestion. With this combination, though, I'm energized all day. It fills me up the way a good breakfast does. And man, does it clear me out.

Without going into detail, let's just say any sort of toxins I had in my body have been vacated. Through my intestines, both big and small. Nothing ridiculous, but it's just another testament to all the crap (no pun intended) we put into our bodies every day. Even if you think you're eating healthy, you're still taking in some level of bad things that have to get out somehow.

On another, completely unrelated note, I was in a minor fender bender yesterday. As I told my mom, I didn't even have my phone near me (I am sometimes guilty of texting while driving -- mainly due to the fact that I don't have to look at the keys to do it; I've memorized them). I was focused completely on the road, but apparently not on the car and how wide it was. Which is ironic, since my car is a Ford Focus.

All that aside, I pulled around a car in the Straight Lane when I was trying to get to the Left Turn Lane. I clipped my mirror on her back light, which barely got a scratch. My mirror, however, was hanging like a loose tooth off the side of the passenger side door.

After coming out of the shock and recovering from how bad it sounded (ever notice how little things on a car sound absolutely horrible?), she got out of her car and started yelling at me about how it looked like I was going to drive off and how I didn't stop to see if she'd gotten damage on her car. Because I'm really going to stop in the middle of a busy road in a turn lane, get out of my car, inspect hers, and then get run over. Right. I explained that I was pulling over where it was safe to do so, rather than putting myself at risk of getting killed. She started blabbing about something else, I pretty much drowned her out. She muttered things with her arms flailing as she walked back to her car.

Anyway, things were fine. I was grateful to be okay. I wanted to say a lot of things to her that wouldn't have gone along with my Buddhist attitude about life, but I didn't. I knew it wouldn't have helped the situation. I was amazed at how much she assumed about me, though -- like that I was going to drive away. It was a startling reminder to me to never presume to know anything about anyone -- because I don't. And I won't, unless they tell me. And even then, it may not be entire truths.

Things being fine didn't mean that I didn't start crying after she pulled away, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. It wasn't even that I was upset -- I didn't care, it was just a mirror and it still works. I was just so rattled by the entire experience and the only way I know to de-stress is by crying. So I drove to Wild By Nature to buy some more coconut water, went into Rite-Aid and bought some super tough tape, and taped my mirror back onto the door. I told my mom what happened, she called my dad, who's going to call the woman. Things were all right.

I just realized that optimism has to be tested for it to last. Being happy and looking at things in an eternally positive light is easy when things are going your way and things are peachy keen jelly bean. It's when that picture-perfect situation gets rattled that your true optimism shines. I think I made it through.

I think this is here to stay.

- May (you test your boundaries).

Reporting Live

After having a brief conversation with someone I went to school with, he mentioned that he missed college, or at least the city.

I thought about it and realized .. I don't miss it. That's not to say I don't miss spending more time with the people I'd come to love, or that I don't miss random little things about the campus (like the fountain by Hunt-Cavanaugh or the way the leaves were always treacherously slippery up the Guzman Hill and by Sullivan Hall when I cut through the path between the trees because I was always late for work). But .. I'm okay. I see that part of my life as having lived out its short, four-year life. I gained the experiences I needed, I made life-long friends, I grew, I found myself, I figured some parts of my life out, I struggled and stared Death straight in the face and then told him to go fuck himself, I made it through and walked across that stage.

I was ready to go. I was ready for the next chapter of my life. I've somehow gotten to a place of complete .. peace. I'm no longer living in the past. I'm not looking at pictures from college longingly, wishing I could have more moments. Because somehow, having more would diminish the ones I already have. I know that I'll see my friends as often as our schedules allow. We won't lose touch that easily. It'll require more effort than just shouting down the hall, but it'll be worth it.

I've finally figured out how to live in the moment. I have no idea how, but God damn.

It feels amazing.

- May (you choose to live).

Water, Water Everywhere

So, I bought this card when I was visiting Meg last summer at the Cape. I liked the simplistic art, the bright colors, and the typewriter-text font used. But I never really understood it. No, let me rephrase that. I understood it. But I never really got it. Catch my drift?

Anyway, if you can't read the text, it says, "She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short." Looking at the card I have, it's actually a different illustration than the one in the picture -- it's a woman sitting with a growing plant in her hands, her tears a dotted-line that's watering it to grow. While I like this other version, I'm partial to the one I have on my wall.

There's something beautiful in that -- she's crying because the world is so beautiful and life is so short, and by allowing herself to be overwhelmed by these emotions, she's replenishing the very world she's come to love and appreciate through her tears. I hope to do this every day -- to be so overcome with emotion at seeing the majesty of this world that I'm moved to tears, so much so that I will water the earth I've come to adore with those very tears.

I actually had this moment not too long ago. On Saturday, after getting my hair done and getting my tattoo, I was driving home from the tattoo parlor and I literally started welling up with tears. I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset -- I was so moved by the amount of wonderful things in my life, that I could do nothing but cry.

I not only had begun this new journey of my life with his new, positive outlook, I was surrounded by people I love and care about. My brother and I spent the day together, something that doesn't happen all that often where it's just the two of us. We hung out, he fixed the a/c in my car, and took me to get my tattoo done. I was so grateful to just have him as my older brother and to have been able to share that momentous moment with him that I cried. I was so grateful to have the job and resulting paycheck to pay for the tattoo and hair that I cried. I was so grateful to have my mom supporting both of those decisions and to have my family supporting my new life that I cried.

Immediately, I felt like the woman on the card.

The world is so beautiful
And life is so short.

I will never forget these moments. I will keep them with me for the rest of this short, amazing, wondrous life. I hope you have that moment where your heart is so full that it has no other way to overflow than to make you cry tears of absolute joy. It's an experience unlike anything I've ever felt before.

- May (you live a beautiful life).

What Keeps You Up at Night?

If you haven't, do go and check out J. Mraz's newest blog post (he's been taking 12 questions via Twitter and answering them on Mondays). Pay particular attention to his answer to the last question.

It starts off like this:
----
From lindsaygee: I am 28. hard age. what worries you the most about your own life; not the world; not the environment. what keeps you up @ night.

I often ask myself: Am I doing enough? What contributions have I made today? If my list is short I will get out of bed and start typing something - often a letter or a journal entry, as if my own journal will someday amount to something (which is usually does, allowing me sort out the garbage from the recycling in my head.) Otherwise, I waste little energy on worry. What's there to be anxious about? Missing a flight or not making a phone payment can be an inconvenience, just as someone you know getting sick or even dying can be very unfortunate. But Worry is what happens when you take those misfortunes on and think you have control over them. You tell yourself that you are responsible in some way for these situations. Or worse, you've decided if the outcome isn't pleasant, there could be even more trouble for yourself and others.
----
The post goes and he sheds an amazing amount of light on what I've been trying to live: The Zen Life. It's all-around inspiring if you're looking for some sort of sign to kick your life into gear. Was there something you've been meaning to try but have been too afraid to do? An instrument to learn? A letter to write? Kind words of love to share? A fear to conquer?

The real question is: What are you waiting for?

We cannot change the past, we cannot change or alter the future; we can only control the now and even then, our control only goes so far as to stay present, to stay mindful, and to come as we are.

- May (you live the life you've dreamed of).

Saying Goodbye

So, today, as I promised myself, I did two huge things.

I got my hair highlighted. This may not seem like such a big deal, but for me, it was. I'd never done anything to my hair before, other than getting it cut. I'd always been one of those people who frowned upon artificial colors (I think it's from being in Catholic School my whole life and hearing, 'Nothing but your God-given color!' one too many times). I liked how highlights and different hair colors looked on other people, but not on me. But how could I really know what it would look like on me? I didn't, really, and I finally decided that I was sick of wondering. I wanted to actually get it done. So, I got red highlights. They're so subtle, you can barely notice them at first glance. If you sift through the layers of my now choppy hair (<3), you'll find lots of red streaks in strategic places. Especially underneath. It's like a little surprise whenever I pull my hair up -- a shock of red. And I love that.

Secondly, I got a tattoo. After 7 years of deciding what I wanted, I've finally gotten one. I almost backed out as I drove there with my brother. As we parked the cars (we drove separately), I felt my hands shaking. Walking inside, I could hear the buzz of the tattoo needle and I felt my stomach leap. The artists were how I expected them to look - covered in ink with a hint of a stand-up comic and biker who may or may not kick your ass after he keys your car. I signed the papers and felt my hands going numb. I gave them the picture and looked at how big I wanted it. They were all ridiculously nice. As I walked behind the small gate they had, I froze. The artist who'd be doing mine joked around, "I could throw the ink at you, hope it lands in some kind of pattern." I laughed nervously as I made my way past the empty leather chairs and towards his.

I felt awkward, sitting in the chair with most of my shirt up. Suddenly, I was more self-conscious over the fact that they'd seen what color bra I was wearing that day (red and white polka dots, just so you know). He explained to me what he was going to do, how to sit, how to hold my shirt, and told me to keep breathing. The buzzing of the needle started and I could feel the metal in my skin.

I finally understand what people say when they say that the pain's addicting. It didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would, especially considering the location (at the back of the neck, below the shirt line). He asked me if I was doing all right and when I explained that I was, he shouted to my brother, who was sitting on the bench on the other side of the counter, "I don't know, bro, she's tough. She could kick your ass, I think." I said that I'm too short to kick his ass. He replied, "Just go for the nuts!... Sorry, man." This was, of course, after he'd called my brother my "man," assuming that we were dating. When I quickly quipped back with, "He's my brother!" he laughed and said, "Wow, you didn't even hesitate. You had that one ready."

So, I'm saying goodbye.

I'm saying goodbye to who I was. I'm saying goodbye to the girl who cried herself to sleep because she didn't know where she belonged. I'm saying goodbye to the girl who stared at herself in the mirror, wishing she knew which parent she looked like. I'm saying goodbye to the girl who wished for sleep because it didn't hurt as much as being awake. I'm saying goodbye to the girl who contemplated taking her life by her own hand because she was tired of being brave. I'm saying goodbye to the girl who was always looking at her life for what it didn't have, rather than loving what she did.

I'm saying goodbye to that girl, and I'm saying hello to who I am and who I will become.

- May (you know when it's time to leave it all behind).

Reconciling Want and Need

So, it seems I'm constantly inspired by J. Mraz's blogs. Which is fine -- he's become a sort of muse for me, constantly opening my mind and making me see things from a different angle. Which is precisely what I need. I think I need a miniature Mraz in my pocket at all times, giving me sage advice and helping me to remember the karma. Think they manufacture those?

Anyway, after his recent post, I got to thinking about "want" versus "need."

At my job, we get paid on the 3rd and the 18th of every month. If any of those days fall on a weekend, you get paid the Friday before. Earlier in the month, as the 3rd came closer, I could feel the excitement. I'd only gotten one paycheck this summer and I was already planning all of the items for purchase that this second paycheck would be going to.

Thursday came. Since the 3rd was technically a holiday (the school was closed for the day), the checks came the day before. I anxiously awaited the envelope as my boss slipped them into everyone's respective mail cubbies. She usually skips mine to hand it to me in person, since I'm sitting right there. As she neared my desk, I remember literally holding my breath with excitement. She had a confused look on her face.

"They didn't send your check over. I'm going to give them a call to see why." I thought to myself, 'Minor setback, but maybe they just forgot because I'm technically temporary staff and they sent over everyone's who's a regular employee. No problem.' About half an hour later, she called me from her office and said that it turned out she'd not handed in my time sheets before the deadline. A complete accident, and one that was not her fault (she'd taken Friday and the following Monday off to spend time with her son who lives in a residential facility upstate). She hadn't realized that they were SO strict with the cut-off date and apologized again.

I told her it was no big deal, and really, it wasn't.

For a little while.

On the eve of the third pay day of the summer, with a measly $5 in my bank account, I can't help but think. I've had to seriously cut down on my frivolous spending since then since funds were all-around limited. I avoided places like the mall, since I knew my will power is kind of pathetic when it comes to certain things (read: clothes, sunglasses, accessories).

But, what I realized was that I didn't need to go to Starbucks all the time; I could just as easily brew a cup of tea or coffee at home, for less. I didn't need new clothes while I still had old ones to wear. I didn't need a fourth pair of sunglasses. All of these things that I kept thinking I needed, I really didn't. Maybe I wanted them, but I certainly didn't need them.

I had and have all of the things I need. Everything else is just superfluous.

That's not to say that I haven't already planned to what to buy with tomorrow's pay check, but all of those things have purpose -- and they're all things I've made sure I really want. I don't know if I need them quite yet, but I know that they're things that I've taken time to think about, ponder over, really decide upon:

List
- My tattoo, which will most likely happen on Saturday.
- Haircut and highlights, which I've never gotten before.
- O.N.E. Coconut Water.
- Vitamineral Green.
- More items for my mom's "meditation" room to help with the Feng Shui.
- Printing out more photos from Europe.
- Buying Mason Jars for said photos (it's a fun craft. Google it!)

The tattoo and haircut are in celebration of this new life I'm living. I feel renewed, I feel like I've woken up from a long sleep that's taken 22 years to come out of. I've undergone a positive, karmic transformation -- so now, it's time to restore and reawaken the external parts of me so that they match the internal parts.

So, I pose these questions to you -- what is it that you want? What is it that you need? Are they the same? Are they different? Will those things improve your life in the long-run? Are they temporary fixes to feelings of sadness, insecurity, or insignificance? Where would that energy be better spent in your life? Will they improve the lives of those around you? At whose expense have those things been made or created?

Can you tell the difference?

- May (you have the courage to re-examine everything).

Reflection

Just a short story I felt like sharing, taken from my Zen Book by Daniel Levin.

Two dogs walk into a room.

One comes out quivering, barking in fear
the whole time, while the other comes out
wagging his tail, with a seemingly big smile
across his face. a man seeing this walks into
the room to discover that it's full of mirrors.
That is the way of this life.

What we see is who we are.

Green With Envy. But At Least You're Healthy!

Following, as usual, J. Mraz's blogpost, I just thought I'd share his suggestions.

He talks about Vitamineral Green, from Healthforce Nutritional. He says that it gives him a boost of energy and clarity of mind for the entire day - from only having it for breakfast! I plan on buying some since my usual fruit and yogurt doesn't really cut it. I'm always drained by 12 (I eat it around 9, 9:30) and starving by the time lunch rolls around at 1. So, I plan on getting some of this because I can use that all-day energy boost. And if it's au natural and healthy, all the better!

Mraz says that he puts it in his O.N.E. coconut water, which, holy crap - sounds DELICIOUS. I plan on ordering me some of that, in addition to Acai water.

Just thought I'd share the knowledge that Mraz so generously shares with all his readers. Once I order/get this stuff, I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

- May (you cleanse your spirit of the gunk!).

MSG & Shame, Part 2

I just thought of something else.

People, generally those who aren't Asian, will always work a variation of the following into conversation with me:

"Hey, you know, I have a cousin who's Asian. Japanese, or something, I think."

That's great. Really. I'm glad your family is diverse and you're not only a bunch of melatonin-challenged folks (no offense, white people - you know I love you). But what do you want me to do with this newly found (yet undesired) piece of information? Am I supposed to throw chopsticks into the air into a celebratory moment, to commemorate the fact that you know another Asian person? Or do you expect me to say,

"Oh, what's his/her name? I probably know them." Because we all know each other, just like I know everyone in the state of New York.

Some of my favorite variations of this conversation faux pas (I have really had these said to me):
- "My niece wants to set me up with a Japanese woman .. I don't know if I'm ready, though." (After talking about his divorce)
- "My nephew studied in Japan - he really liked it. Japan's kind of close to Korea, isn't it?"
- "My wife's Japanese." (with absolutely nothing to segway into this statement)
- "I have a cousin who's South Korean. Maybe you know her?"

Please.

Stop.

For the love of God, just stop. I appreciate the attempt at making a connection, but .. what about art? Music? The Beatles? Tattoos? Anything - I really do have many other facets that have nothing to do with slanty eyes and a penchant for sticky rice.

- May (you look beyond the surface).

Something Smells Like MSG and Shame

Let me just clear the air with answers to popular questions I receive from people I encounter on a day-to-day basis.

1. No, I'm not Filipino/Chinese/Hawaiian/other remotely Asian race. I'm Korean.
2. I'm not a Communist. I was born in South Korea. The good one.
3. No, I don't speak any Korean. And if you keep trying to talk to me in it, I'm going to throw Kimchi in your face.
4. I don't speak it because my parents don't speak it. Because they're not Korean. They're Italian.
5. I was adopted.
6. That means that I was given away by my birth parents at a young age and taken in by another family.
7. I was seven months.
8. No, I don't know anything about my birth mother/father, nor do I remember anything about coming here. I was seven months old.
9. I know that I don't look anything like the rest of my family, thanks.
10. I can do manicures and pedicures only on myself. I do not want to touch your ugly ass feet.
11. I can't work at a laundromat, either.
12. Yes, thank you, I like my hair, too. Yes, it's my natural color. I don't color it to look black.
13. I don't know how I know to use chopsticks. I picked them up when I was little and instinctively knew how to use them. (No joke).
14. Yes, my body cannot properly break down alcohol, resulting in a bright red face and skin that's scorching to the touch. I know that I'm a lightweight. Give me another shot.

Also, I'd like to ask the class why people generally feel it's all right to ask any of these questions. I will literally get most of these throughout a conversation with strangers, especially at the nail salon. Oh, those Korean ladies go at it when they find out that I'm Korean, too. And then they get quiet and shameful when they find out I'm adopted (cultural thing). But really.

You wouldn't believe how many times I've gotten the, "That's your mom? You don't look alike!" reaction. I don't mind answering questions, I don't, but .. you know. There's a way to go about them without sounding like an ignorant fool.

While we're on the topic, though, you hear about how Asian people name their kids? They throw pots and pans down the stairs: ping, pong, pang!

- May (you remember that sometimes, silence is golden).

The 10 Spot

Inspired by J. Mraz's most recent blog post, I've decided to make a list of ten things I'm grateful for today. This is in addition to the small paragraph I've already written in my gratitude journal, but hey .. you can never have enough happiness or enough positive karma. I'm going to keep this going.

1. Sunshine. Sounds simplistic, but after somewhere around a month of constant gray, rain, and storms, I'm thankful for the radiant rays for however long I can soak them up. I am, of course, ignoring the fact that I'm stuck in an office for 8 hours a day.

2. Blue skies. See above. I'd almost forgotten how absolutely stunning the color is.

3. Having a job. Though I sometimes complain about being stuck in an office chair all day, sitting behind a desk, finding things to do online, I'm thankful to have this job. In an economic world where so many people are struggling to keep things afloat, I feel ridiculously unworthy of having a job that pays well and also has a window for me to gaze longingly outside at the sunshine. I also got to put up some pictures around my workspace. And a miniature Buddha!

4. The ability to read, walk, see, hear, smell, touch, breathe, eat, experience life. Kind of a long one, but I always forget how lucky I am to be able to do .. anything. I take advantage of my able body, all five of my senses that are still in good working order, the ability to breathe without a machine, everything. Such small things that really mean so much.

5. Discovering a new state of consciousness. In Yoga, there are four states (awake, sleeping, dreaming, and transcendental). Although awake is technically the furthest from being enlightened, I look at it as a positive. I feel as though I've been in the sleeping state for my entire life - lethargic, unmoved by beauty, callous, indifferent to the world and to myself. I've finally woken up and have been able to look at things through different eyes. I feel like I'm awake, truly awake, for the first time in my life. And now, it's time for me to start dreaming about the future and all of the wonderful, amazing things to come.

6. Finally finding peace and understanding with the universe. I don't know if this needs any explanation.

7. My new-found ability to not question the universe when things happen. Also inspired by J. Mraz, I'm taking a step back from the mortal need for control over the universe around me. I'm letting things happen the way they happen, and not questioning why. If someone does something nice for me, I'm not going to dig for reasons, or wonder if it was for their own gain rather than mine. I'm going to smile and thank them and take that peace with me and spread it to someone else. If something bad happens, I'm going to understand that the Universe has a reason for it. As the Dalai Lama says (who just celebrated his 74th birthday!), "I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe."

8. Having decided on a tattoo design and location. I've wanted a tattoo for seven years. SEVEN! I used to want the Gemini symbol, since I figured it wouldn't be changing any time soon. Then I wanted something to do with London, commemorating the fact that I found where my heart's always been and always wanted to be. That may be coming later, once I figure that design out, but I have never been more sure of a design and a location before in my life. I'm going to be getting the Om (Aum) symbol at the base of my neck, towards the middle of my back. The reason? The Vishuddha chakra, symbolizing creativity, turning negative situations into positives and lessons to be learned, and increasing communication. Also, for the deity who resides in the Vishuddha Chakra, Panchavaktra Shiva. He has five heads for each of the senses and in one of his hands, he's holding a drum that's perpetually beating, symbolizing the Om (Aum) sound -- balance between the world, its creatures, and people. Get it? It's all connected. And as with #7, I'm not questioning why it all suddenly made sense - I'm just accepting it and revelling in the fact that I finally understand.

9. Being alive! I end every entry in my gratitude journal with this. I take it from a quote from Buddha: "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."

10. Warmer weather. It means I can wear flowy skirts and dresses that always, always put me in happier moods! Not to mention that Serotonin! :D

I'd love to see what lists you come up with! Post them!



- May (you remember to be thankful for every breath).

Improved.

111 words

Speed test

- May (you always remember to try and try again).

Apparently, You Really CAN'T Stop the Beat.

Also posted in Pen & Paper Addicts

I can't stop writing. It feels amazing to be able to press a pen to a piece of paper and have words flow out, without hesitation or strain, the way they used to years ago. Except that I hope the words and syntax have improved since I was 12.

The poem make up is more scattered. Lines are indented, halves of words are moved about, and only 6 lines are actually left-aligned. However, blogspot doesn't keep the spaces I put in, so you're just going to have to use your imagination. :)

-------

[070509]
there are momentous moments
in which no explanation can be offered(nor
would you really want one)and sometimes
you can never ask the "right questions"(if it

gets you an answer, can i really be wrong?), no
matter how ha
rd you try. and believe you me,

i've tried.

it's in these momentous moments that
the silence(which has been bronzified
like a pair of baby booties your great

grand
mother once crocheted for the new breath
of life
she was so scared to lose, and, as a result,
couldn't control her nervous twitch and
before anyone could blink, she'd
created 1,002 delicately woven booties,
much like the small wriggling form in
the rocking bassinet --
she had been a

miracle, you see)suddenly
takes on a golden hue and
somehow,

you finally seem to
get it.

the first draft of the declaration of independence.

Also posted in Pen & Paper Addicts.

freedom is not just about
flipping off the monarchy
and telling them that they
can take their crowns and
eat them for all you
care. it's about letting
go of everything that's
haunted you, forever on your
back and forever on your
heart. it's flipping off
all of the negativity other
people try to spread,
like some rampant case of
VD, and keeping your
proverbial legs closed.

it's learning to forgive
the negativity and under-
standing that it never
really had a say in where
it was going but was
strung along like some
derranged pinocchio with
no hopes of ever becoming
a real boy (it was never
encouraged as a child). it's
finally realizing that, damn
it, you're worth the
sun and the breeze to
cool those beads of sweat
upon your salty flesh
and the whispering of those
gossiping trees (i swear they're
worse than most beauticians) and

the joy of waking up
another morning and
realizing that you have
the chance to do something
extraordinary. because
that's what you are; forget
what you've learned in those
wretched, glossy spreads
and repeat after me: i
am an extraordinary
being. i want you to take
2 doses each and every morning
and, you know what, it's
PRN (as needed, for those
of you who may not know),
because this life is one of those
drugs that can turn you
into some kind of addict,

with your tongue
hanging out and your
forearms bruised, always
begging for more.



- May (you discover your passion).

Independence

The 4th of July's coming up on Saturday, aka America's Independence Day. While I enjoy waving around a sparkler like an idiot as much as the next idiot, and also enjoy BBQ's and nursing a cold one while balancing a paper plate with a hamburger and macaroni salad on my leg, it's an odd year for a celebration of independence, don't you think?

Most of the world isn't really independent. Most of us aren't independent. So here are some things that I hope you think about on Saturday. And every day following.

What (Insert Your Name Here) Needs To Be Independent From
- The Fear of Failing. I can't use failure as an excuse anymore. As they say, there are no mistakes in life, only lessons to be learned.
- Reservation. If I want to dance when the dance floor is empty, may I have the strength to will my legs and body to move.
- The Fear of Forgetting. The moments that aren't always remembered are sometimes the ones that mean the most to us. I will make it a point to have more of these moments until my heart is over-flowing.
- Baggage. Everyone's struggled to get to where s/he is in life. Everyone has been carrying heavy suitcases and maybe even a backpack (or rucksack, for you overseas). May I free myself from the extra weight and not be afraid to let go.
- The Future. No matter what I do, I can't control the future. I can only control the now. My present actions may influence my future, but until time-travelling is invented, I'm stuck in the here and now. I'd better get used to it and take advantage before the present turns into the past.
- Time. Everyone grows older. In a world where there's so much emphasis put on youth and beauty, we all forget what a gift it is to be able to say that we've lived. My mom refuses to dye her graying hair because she says that it shows that she's experienced things, good and bad, and shows that she's lived her life. I won't belittle the chance to grow older, to grow wiser, and to pass my wisdom onto those behind me.
- Other People. Many of them will build me up and support me (cue Josh Groban's "You Lift Me Up." I'll leave you to your thoughts for a moment while you absorb that. ... Okay, no. I'm done). But many of them will try to cut me down. Many of them will stampede upon me and my aspirations. Many of them will maliciously harm me and will be unapologetic. May I look at them for the pain they have inside of their own hearts - may I inhale their suffering, and exhale my peace to them.
- And most importantly, myself. I will not let myself stand in the way of anything that I want to accomplish, of my success, of my life. Instead, I will take myself along for the ride, hoping that at the end of it all, I can look back and say that it was worth it.



Happy 4th, everyone.

- May (you find your freedom).