I've been in complete denial over the fact that everything's ending. That's not to say that I'm not excited over the next chapter -- I've finally come a place where I can accept and even get pumped about what's about to come -- but I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to people yet.
Then again .. are you ever ready?
One thing that I will be glad to leave behind will be the oppressive conservatism of this school. (I won't name it, but let's put it this way -- it's Catholic, it's run by the Dominicans, and .. it's Catholic). They banned the Vagina Monologues four years ago and cited some ridiculous reasons as to why. I think one of them was actually that the play focused too much on women's sexuality, rather than the other gifts that they possess. Well, yeah, that's nice. We are more than a vagina, but the play, written by a woman, shows how we can write, we can act, we can perform, we can sing, we can do anything. And ignoring the fact that women are sexual, like this administration and Church like to do, doesn't mean it's not there -- in fact, it makes us want to rebel more.
I've been in some form of Catholic school since I was three years old. THREE. I've had this stuff force-fed to me a billion times over. For a while, I accepted it, because what else does a stupid little five year old do? You follow the words that teachers tell you without having the cognitive ability to ask deeper or search farther.
It wasn't until I got to high school that things changed. I was thrown into a Theology class that was unlike anything I'd ever had before. She wanted us to question our beliefs. She wanted us to really find out why things were the way they were, figure out what we didn't support, what we did. She explained that in questioning something and searching for the answer, it brings us closer to the origin of it all. Of course, she was also the teacher who told us morbid details of people jumping from the top of the Twin Towers (9-11 happened in the beginning of that same year, and I'm in NY). That left me with a distaste for her, but I never forgot that eye-opening experience.
We can't just accept what we hear or "learn" as truth. We have to delve deeper. We have to ask questions. We have to ask as many questions as we can until we're satisfied. And I don't think we ever will be -- we have to keep learning.
I cite that Theology class, ironically, as the beginning of my fall from Catholicism. I attended Church less and less (except when mandated by the school), and by the time I reached college, I was pretty sure I didn't believe in anything spiritual anymore.
Then I went through another transformation. I went on a religious retreat with one of my room mates. For the first time in my entire life, I felt connected. I felt in sync with the people around me, with the world, and most importantly, with God. I remember sitting in the on-campus chapel after our return, begging God to always stay with me, to never let me forget those feelings or those experiences.
Of course .. I did forget. I forgot, mostly on purpose, the ridiculous dogmas of the Catholic Church. I felt they only hindered me from having a more poignant relationship with God/She/It/Whoever. Remembering when to sit, when to kneel, what to say, what to do .. It got in the way. It complicated something that was meant to be simple.
I stopped going to Church. This year, my mom didn't even ask me to go to Church with her on Easter. I knew that signified something big, because I'd always been the Chr-easter Catholic (Christmas/Easter). Those were the two holidays where I'd go to Church, mainly out of guilt, but not this year. I was demoted to a Chralm Catholic (Christmas/Palm Sunday).
Now that I don't have to worry about that, I was able to enjoy those miserable 40 days of Lent. I ate meat on Fridays because I wasn't going to abide by some thousand-year-old ritual that was introduced to save money on meat (that's the real reason for it; the Bible doesn't say anything about sacrificing meat). I ate meat on Fridays because hell, I wanted that Prosciutto sandwich from Au Bon Pain.
I know that it's about sacrifice, but I gave up other things. I didn't need some old man in expensive, Italian silks, living in his own zip code thousands of miles away from me to tell me what I had to give up in order to feel closer to God.
He doesn't even know me.
... So, I started out talking about how it's a week before the official end of my collegiate career. I ended up talkng about how I dislike the Pope. Like I said in my introduction post, I have one of the shortest attention spans known to mankind.
Hopefully you can keep up.
- May (you live the life you want to live).
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